REVELSTOKE, BC – November 7th, 2026
Chaos has erupted across the regional landscape as local citizens grapple with the terrifying, imminent reality of a Domino’s Pizza opening its doors. The community is currently divided into two clear, warring factions: those who view a cheap pepperoni pizza as an absolute crime against humanity, and those whose budgets are simply too tight to pay local artisan pizza prices for a casual dinner.
The panic reached a boiling point this week when the corporate entity engaged in psychological warfare, prematurely distributing paper flyers to local mailboxes before the ovens were even turned on. Innocent residents, lured by the promise of cheap cheese, attempted to place online orders only to find the digital gates firmly locked.
“It is weird that they would prematurely send out flyers saying they are open,” remarked one local resident, completely unaccustomed to corporate incompetence.
The area has immediately descended into a battleground over the culinary purity of the region. Local purists have widely condemned the upcoming establishment, calling the menu items “gross” and suggesting that the franchise is only good for its public toilet accessibility. Others have warned that the pizza is a known medical hazard, claiming a single slice can cause severe, multi-day illness or act as an intense laxative.
Meanwhile, an elite counter-protest has formed to defend the franchise, pointing out that local dining options are not always friendly to a tight budget. “I love good pizza at local restaurants,” explained one resident. “But sometimes you just don’t have the funds to spend eighty dollars for two pizzas.”
The controversy has also reignited massive systemic confusion over what actually belongs on a regional pie. Activists have publicly questioned how any establishment expects to survive without offering the traditional, mandatory regional topping, shrimp? Uh, what? Yeah that’s right they said shrimp.
At press time, local historians were forced to remind the public that corporate food downtown is not, in fact, a sign of the end times, noting that both Little Caesars and a 7-Eleven have managed to exist in the area without causing the total collapse of local society.
Construction workers on the building suggest the official grand opening will take place on November 15th, giving residents exactly one week to find a safe space or prepare their stomachs.
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Sicamous, BC – November 5th 2026