Armstrong , BC – September 6th 2026
Carnival physics, hard-hitting journalism and Colitis collided over the weekend as Sicamous Local News investigative reporter “Legs” went a full ten rounds against the West Coast Amusements midway at the 125th Interior Provincial Exhibition.
The highly anticipated matchup, which experts are calling “the single worst decision of the late summer season,” actually began before the rest of Legs’ party even arrived at the fairgrounds.
Pre-Game Outbreak at the Gates
Legs arrived ahead of schedule, with strict instructions to wait for the rest of his party at the main entrance gate. However, his colitis sensing the nearby presence of fried grease and the imminent feeling of the “G’s”, staged an immediate pre-emptive strike.
Abandoning his post and forcing his way through the gates ahead of schedule, Legs made a desperate, solo tactical retreat into the fairgrounds. His target: the permanent facilities inside the Hansen arena.
In an exclusive post-incident review, Legs noted that had there been a line to use the facilities he might not have made it. He also had this to add.
“The structural integrity of the stalls was sound, the soap dispensers were at least 40% full, and the ambient odor was more agricultural barn than biological hazard, for an exhibition bathroom on a Saturday afternoon, it was quite impressive. It gave me a false sense of security.”
Commit to the Scoop: The Unlimited Wristband
Determined to get the full scoop for the readers back in Sicamous, Legs refused to take the safe route of buying individual ride tickets. Instead, he fully committed to the assignment by purchasing a West Coast Amusements unlimited ride wristband.
After all, his great-nephew was in attendance, and a brave young fairgoer surely required an adult riding companion to brave the Midway’s engineering marvels. It was a noble sacrifice for family unity and local journalism, though one that his lower digestive tract would immediately regret.
Round 1: The Midway Warm-Up and Mistaken Beverages
The opening round began at the bumper cars, where the blunt force trauma of being T-boned relentlessly tested the early structural integrity of Legs gut. Topping out at 5km/hr Legs was grateful there was no actual car crash simulator at the Midway, and he counted the bumper cars as his first slightly jarring victory. Looking for a low-impact reprieve that the whole team could enjoy, our party transitioned to the Ferris wheel. However, swaying gently over the Armstrong landscape only gave the colitis a vertical vantage point to plot its next move.
Seeking hydration and a brief retreat, the team ducked into the curling club. The afternoon took an unexpected turn when the bartender mistakenly assumed that Legs would also be having a beer.
We had previously instructed Legs that it was best not to drink at all during his battle with The Midway and Colitis. When Legs decided to have a drink anyway, we all tried to caution him, but he said it would be okay since he was only having a lemon vodka seltzer. We still thought it was a bad decision, but it’s probably better than beer.
Round 2: Knocked Down by the Zipper
Emboldened, the party returned to the midway for Round 2, selecting the absolute boss fight of carnival attractions: the Zipper. We’re not even sure if it was actually called that, but can you really give the “Zipper” a different name? Anyway, this proved to be a catastrophic error.
The cage spinning physics of the ride did not just agitate Legs Colitis, it induced an all-out family medical emergency. The experience completely dismantled the Team. Legs was shook so hard even Mrs.Legs felt it. Both were entirely removed from active duty. Forced to spend the next hour slumped over in the grandstand watching horses pull sleds with buckets of water while they recovered.
Round 3: The Satiation Misstep
Having barely recovered from the hour-long bench intermission, Legs regrouped and immediately threw caution to the wind for Round 3. Under the guise of “undercover culinary research,” Legs ordered a donair and a side of deep-fried pickles.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Legs chose a slightly more traditional fair route, opting for a heavy plate of Ukrainian-style cabbage rolls and sausage.
“I felt a slight rumble during the final bites of the donair, but I knew I could outrun it,” Legs stated, visibly pale but putting on a brave face. “It was a classic case of false sense of security. The colitis was just biding its time, letting me get comfortable.”
Rounds 4 Through 8: The Poultry Building Siege
The true test of endurance arrived unexpectedly as the donair combined forces with the residual physics of the Zipper and Legs’s Colitis. What followed was a brutal, rapid fire succession of rounds four through eight all taking place entirely within the confines of the highly busy poultry building’s men’s room.
This specific sector of the fairgrounds proved to be a logistical nightmare. Unlike the pristine sanctuary of the Hassen Arena, the poultry building facilities were operating under severe strain. Legs found himself locked in a desperate battle for turf amid a chaotic backdrop of men coming and going, rattling at the door, asking if someone’s in there?
“Rounds five and six blur together,” Legs noted in his press log. “The sheer volume was unprecedented. Trying to maintain investigative journalistic focus while locked in a stall with an aggressive rooster screeching at three-minute intervals on the other side of the wall is something they don’t teach you about in media school.”
Round 9: The Hypothesis of Doom
Emerging victorious but structurally weakened from the poultry building siege, Legs prepared himself for Round 9. To warm up and get his physical footing back, he attempted to recalibrate his equilibrium by walking through the funhouses. Navigating spinning barrels, bungee cords, and unstable flooring proved to be an intense gastrointestinal test, but Legs successfully made it to the other side.
With his confidence falsely restored, Legs immediately boarded the Drop of Doom. Ever the investigative thinker, he hypothesized that the extreme physics of a vertical freefall might work in his favor. He theorized that either the crushing G-forces pushing down or the violent momentum pulling upward might temporarily shock his GI tract into submission, effectively relieving his colitis.
It did not.
Instead, the sudden loss of gravity merely suspended his internal organs in mid-air, creating a localized atmospheric pressure crisis inside his midsection. After exiting the ride, Legs quickly returned to what he had been calling “home base”, the poultry house men’s room.
Round 10: Centripetal Force Multipliers
The tide of battle turned completely inside out during the final midway portion of the evening. Honoring his remaining duties to his great-nephew, Legs boarded the Strawberries, a ride notorious for violently sloshing human internal organs in a clockwise motion.
Eyewitnesses report that by the third rotation, Legs’s face had achieved a shade of green that perfectly matched the prize-winning zucchini displays.
“The centripetal force was actively working against my lower intestine,” Legs recalled, adjusting his press badge. “It became less of a carnival ride and more of a high-stakes survival situation. Every rotation of the berry was a direct assault, but I had to remain strong for the youth.”
The Decision
Though Legs put up an honorable fight, battling against gravity, motion sickness, and hot sauce on his donair, The IPE Midway ultimately was the victor. When we let Legs know our decision he stated “If there was a Honking Chunks of Fiber vendor, or Red Hot Texas Style Metamucil stand, I would have had that, but there wasn’t was there?”
When we later checked the score card to confirm our decision, we determined Legs had a total of 37 tickets worth of rides. We added it up like this: $1.50/T*37T=$55.50, Total cost for wrist band $55.00! Legs is the victor with a grand total of $0.50 in savings!
We were forced to revise our final statement.
Though the IPE midway put up a devastating fight using gravity, motion sickness, and spicy donairs, Legs ultimately achieved a hard-fought victory. Legs remains undefeated against general un-equilibrium of the IPE Midway, his own colitis, and aggressively busy public restrooms.
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