What To DO With All These Signs

October 17th 2026 – Sicamous, BC

With campaign season coming to a close, talk in the office has not been so much who is going to win but what are we going to do with all these signs. The office had considered hitting the streets to physically count every single campaign sign in town, but the task quickly became entirely too daunting even for all twelve of us working together. Our solution? Work smarter, not harder.

We took a small sample off of one random street in Sicamous and determined for every 10 meter stretch of road there are approximately 13 signs. We also determined there to be approximately 90km, or 90,000 meters of laneway in Sicamous. At one sign every 76.9 centimeters, that tallies up to a whopping 117,000 signs in Sicamous. With sign-pocalypse fast approaching, we as a community should probably decide, what do we do with 46.8 signs per person?

TACTICAL AMENDMENT 1: ISSUANCE OF HAND TO HAND DISSUADERS

We will completely eliminate the rodent problem by issuing every single member of the community a full arsenal of high velocity rat swatters. With very little modifications necessary, our field department can manufacture 117,000 highly aerodynamic swatting paddles. This ensures every citizen from Riverside Avenue to the Wood Streets is fully equipped to handle close quarters residential pest defense on their own steam.

TACTICAL AMENDMENT 2: FERAL FELINE EMPLOYMENT INITIATIVES

We will completely eliminate the rodent problem by using the sturdier corrugated signs to build premium weatherproof homeless cat shelters. These structures will be strategically placed to attract a massive influx of feline vagabonds to the community. Once settled into the new municipal layout, these highly trained hunters will be officially employed by the district as an elite, zero budget Rodent Patrol syndicate.

TACTICAL AMENDMENT 3: THE TRANSIT RAILWAY INSULATION BUFFER

We will completely eliminate the rodent problem by lining the railway tracks through town with an impenetrable, continuous wall of campaign signs. Our undercover scanners have logged significant data showing that standard train hopping rodents are using passing cargo cars to enter the community. A solid corporate wall of plastic promises to completely insulate the town from these unauthorized, non-resident intruders.

TACTICAL AMENDMENT 4: THE RECREATION MAZE SYSTEM

We will completely eliminate the rodent problem by using the remaining political posters to build 71km of unescapable rat maze. We all know that rats love mazes. Maze navigation is one of the preferred choices of profession for this specific species of rodent. All we have to do is put all our tastiest leftovers, compost, and a bunch of cans of diet coke in the center and voila, all rats enter, no rats leave.

TACTICAL AMENDMENT 5: HIGH ALTITUDE PERCH ARCHITECTURE

We will completely eliminate the rodent problem by utilizing sign material to build elevated nesting platforms for birds of prey. By mounting the faces of our electoral candidates directly to the tops of utility poles, we will attract a highly motivated workforce of owls and hawks. The sheer visual intensity of the political print graphics alone should communicate to the local bird of prey populations that Sicamous is serious about tackling the rodent issue, allowing our high altitude raptor assets to cleanly balance the local ecosystem metrics.

TACTICAL AMENDMENT 6: THE GREAT DECOY

We will completely eliminate the rodent problem by crafting a 403 meter tall moderately sized Godzilla decoy. The theory? Rats do not like Godzilla. Godzilla documentaries have clearly indicated rats will abandon an area where Godzilla is present. It would also provide Godzilla prevention since Godzillas are very seldom seen occupying the same area. In addition this would reduce insurance costs while raising property values. Alternatively, we could craft four, 100.75 meter tall Godzillas, one for each corner of town, but one directly in the center should be visible from the surrounding areas, adequately deterring would-be rat migrators and drifter Godzillas from settling here.

THE CALL FOR INFRASTRUCTURE DEPLOYMENT

So fire up your drafting pads, a government contract is almost guaranteed to be up for bids and it will surely be awarded to the design team who makes most effective use of the materials. We salute the local backyard tinkerers who are already prepping their tools for post-election resourcefulness. But from what we understand, some overzealous innovators have already been poaching materials ahead of schedule for independent materials analysis. Shame. Wait until the elections are done and the candidates willingly forfeit their signs for community improvement. Stealing, damaging or defacing campaign signs is violation of the Canadian Elections Act (Section 325) and violators face fines of up to $5,000 and or six months in prison.

Editors Note: “Photography” took these photos rapid fire style as we drove by them on the highway, sorry to any candidates who’s signs ended up kinda blurry. We didn’t feel like making a second pass for better photos. Sorry.

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